DEAR ANNIE: Out of options in my marriage

Dear Annie: I am writing to you in a desperate effort to give my kids a good environment in the midst of a very turbulent marriage.My wife and I are both in our late 30s. We have one 5-year-old and one toddler. We love them a lot. But it appears that we don't love, respect or trust each other any more. We have been married for 12 years now and have been with each other for 20 years. My side of the story is that I try my best helping at home, in addition to my work. I pick up and drop off the kids from school and activities and do daily family shopping, yard work, cleaning, giving the kids baths and putting them to bed. I am trying, and I am willing to do more. My wife also works, and she takes care of the kids, cooks dinner and takes the kids to their activities. She also does daily chores. Maybe I can do more. I have thought about it again and again, but I cannot come to a conclusion about what and how much more I can do in order for her to stop blaming me and saying that I don't help her or I don't do enough. Lately, her constant nagging -- especially that she does all the cooking (I have finally asked her not to cook for me anymore) -- and that I don't do much are always accompanied by personal attacks, name-calling, shouting and, recently, hitting. I have tried to keep my calm for my kids because she does this in front of the babies, too. I am scared that I am reaching my limit of tolerance and patience. I love my kids, and I am ready to endure more. I have tried to change myself to meet her demands, but I am not sure what will meet those expectations. I am also not in favor of divorce because of the kids. I have offered her living like roommates and clearly defining responsibilities. I don't think overlapping responsibilities will work.My questions are: 1) What more can I do? 2) Is avoiding divorce for kids' sake a good or bad decision? 3) Can we get back to a normal married life, and if yes, how? As I am writing, I am shaking, as I never thought this could happen to my family. I am disappointed in myself and worried for my kids.Please advise. Thank you. Just writing this helps. -- Confused Dad Dear Confused Dad: If the options are to get a divorce or to model a hateful, violent and uncooperative marriage for your children, then the answer is very clear: get a divorce. Should your children grow up witnessing this type of interaction between you and your wife, they will believe that's what marriage is supposed to look like. That would be the worst possible outcome. My advice to you is to seek marriage counseling immediately. It is obvious that you are willing to put in the work, and I commend you for that. Your wife needs to be equally willing. Sometimes it is not a question of doing things more but doing things differently. Clearly something is not working, and it needs very immediate attention before things get worse. If you are seeking support for your wife's violence against you, I encourage you to call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. And finally, I want to draw attention to the last part of your letter as a PSA for my readers: "Just writing this helps." Journaling is no replacement for therapy, but it is often an incredibly cathartic outlet. "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.