My journey with Safe Harbour

Editor's note: Domestic Violence Awareness Month began nationwide in October 1987. During each October, it's a way, nationwide, to connect and unite individuals and organizations working on domestic violence issues while raising awareness for those issues. The Register doesn't identify victims of domestic violence, however, the author wanted to disclose her identity for the purpose of this guest column in observance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month About four years ago, my life crossed paths with Safe Harbour Domestic Violence Shelter. At the time, I was scared, worried and too timid to do anything differently. I had extremely limited ability to live my life how I would have imagined it 25 years before when I got hooked up with my abuser. This was not the life my abuser promised me. This was not what a marriage should have been. I honestly just thought this was me and nobody else could relate to how things ran in my home. That was until I met a woman, named Laurel Cooley, who asked a question nobody dared to ask me before. "Has he ever hit you before?" she said. I remember looking puzzled, thinking, wait, how does she know so much? I literally asked her, "Why are you asking me that?" Her reply shocked me and formed a moment I will never forget. "Cause, I think he does. So, has he ever hit you then?" she said. It is the first time I said it aloud, "Yes, he has put his hands on me before. He has hit me, held me and left bruises on me." The following words from her still bring a tear to my eye. "You know you don't have to stay; you can leave. I left my abusive husband, and I will never forget how he made me feel. You deserve better." This conversation changed my life forever. It just takes one person asking the right question to change your entire world. Please, no matter who you are, do not forget that simple thing. Always ask questions when something feels off. Don't think it is someone else's job. You would think I would instantly give in and leave my marriage with how life-changing this conversation was. Abuse is funny that way: It plays with your mind. It makes you afraid and triggers every insecurity you have ever had. It took me about eight months after this conversation to leave. There were many fights, mostly verbal, emotional controlling coercive tactics of how myself and my children had learned to live our lives. It really is amazing what I put up with so that everyone could think we were such a normal family. He was the center of how our family ran and not in a good way. My now ex-husband was part of the local legal system. He made me feel afraid of who he was and who he knew in any way he could. He manipulated everything he could to make himself always look right, like nobody would believe me. He would tell me my life was nothing compared to his or how underachieving I was compared to him. It took many more open conversations with my friend to build up a trust. You don't just trust easily after listening to the brainwashing ideals I had heard. I began to feel like she understood me after we had so many conversations that ended with "Me, too." I began to tell her what had been going on in my life for many, many years. Fear kept me silent — that and the thought that nobody would really believe me. Not only believing me, but she also validated that I did not have to stay. She helped me see I deserved more, and I could have that if I wanted it. Safe Harbour had always been a place I knew about in the area. It felt like it had to be somewhere to go when it was very awful though. People think abuse is about bloody noses and broken bones. Abuse in a relationship has so many little signs that start with so many secrets. Itis not always about how your body got hurt but how your mind is believing the lies they tell you. They work on so many areas to make you isolated, feel dumb and keep you to themselves. They say it is because they love you. Real love wants what is good for both parties, not just one. Real love has no level of control over it at all. Safe Harbour here to help If you are reading this, and it sounds at all familiar that your partner has made you check your own sanity, do not feel alone. You aren't. Safe Harbour is always there to call, even if you aren't sure it's "really" abuse. I finally got brave enough to call the number. It sounds so easy. It took every ounce of strength for me to do it after many times of staring at the paper with the number. My friend had called before me and told me to ask for a person named Hazel. Hazel was not there and the person I talked to was Linda Mitchell. If any of you have ever talked to Linda, you know she possessed calm yet confidence all at the same time. I could tell you where I was sitting and what I said. I am sure though those details do not matter as much as I actually made the call. I just remember saying everything I was too afraid to say before. Linda's voice was calm. She just let me talk. I just remember her calling me "my angel." I remember her asking me if I wanted to come into the office to have a consultation with the social worker. I set up an appointment and cried. 'You are not alone' I arrived at the Safe Harbour office. I sat in a room with the social worker, Beth Wimmer. She asked me to fill out some papers, and I remember looking at the form with the words "name of abuser." This was not a school form or a doctor's form I had filled out in life with his name. I had done that so many times before for each child we had. This was me claiming my life back one letter at a time with his name on that line. I talked to Beth for what seemed like forever. She listened to every word. I didn't realize then, but I do now that every time I said my story, I gained more power back for myself. It was my first discovery of the tissue and chocolate on the table. I am sure it was only about an hour I sat there. It felt like a lifetime. We went over a safety plan based on my own life and what I needed to do: the things I could do if it got bad at home, to keep me and my children safe or things I could think to do to help prepare myself to leave. I know now that this can be a very dangerous time for a victim to leave. This is never done lightly. My plan was full of individual details and advice. She invited me to the weekly support group. I remember thinking I was not sure if I wanted to go or ever go back again. I also remember thinking I did not know what was going to happen to me if he found out I was talking about years of things from my home. As scared as I was to talk, I was scared of him more. The first group I went to was a room full of people. Your mind has this idea of what an abused person should look and act like. This room was not what I expected. Of course, I did not see myself as fitting in, but these people in this room became some of my biggest supporters and closest friends. There is always tissues there, chocolate and a person to understand by saying "Me, too." Everyone listens, shares or helps you see that you are not alone. I will tell you I left that first meeting doubting I wanted to go back. I also knew if I did not I had no way out of this life I was living. I did not want to feel like I would rather die than go home either. As part of my safety plan, we had talked about what would happen if I left my home. It was never safe for me there. The control in my home would make some of you shudder. It was not just physical in my house. I had to be careful what I wore, and where I went with his permission, and he held all the money in an account that only had his name on it. I needed to break free of this. What did that look like? Safe Harbour gave me options and told me, if I felt like I needed to leave, to call the shelter crisis line. That seemed so extreme at the time. It seemed so scary. What was it like at a shelter? A shelter has to be horrible, right? In May 2019, I soon found out what the shelter was. My plans were very calculated on how to leave. I had one juvenile child. I also knew had to go with me. That is what made it even more conflicting to go. My home was always unexpected. We always dreaded the sound of his car coming home and how he would act. But, going to shelter, I had no idea what that would look like and could he find me? The shelter, though, is an undisclosed place. It is hidden in the open. It does not look any different than the other places around it. I arrived in the evening with a small bag of clothes with my child. They gave me clean clothes to put on, and I had to wash all the clothes I had. I did some paperwork with a caretaker. She showed me our room, explained some guidelines, and we went to bed. It was the weirdest feeling the first night there. I had heard from a client at group that the shelter had healing walls. They had heard many tears, many stories. I guess now my stories are in the walls, too. The biggest thing I can tell you about staying at the shelter is the peace I felt there. I know, when I took a shower, the next morning, all I could think about was the tears falling down my face. Was I finally free? What had I done? Now what am I going to do? When you stay at the shelter, Safe Harbour staff tell you to treat it like your own home. You make your own food. You clean up after yourself. And you start to decompress from the life you used to be in. It is simple things you do not have to think about in the same way, things you use to do all the time to please your abuser. Starting a new life I remember making lists of things I needed to do. I had recently started my first job ever. I was never allowed to have a job in my marriage. The first thing on my list was to call family services to establish my own household with my child and I. Since the shelter was my home now, it was the first time I was free of anything tagged with his name. This was the first step toward freedom. The caregivers were kind and understanding, always willing to listen to me talk. They always made me feel very safe. There were moments of laughter and moments of tears but, they were there. The longer I was there, the more it did start to feel like at least my home base for now. It is not just Safe Harbour that changed the course of direction, but being a client there led me to many other agencies who helped me set up my own path. Hazel Foley had told me people would "come out of the woodwork to help you" if you asked for help. They just do not know what you need until you tell them your story. I could have never imagined all the people I know now who have helped. I had tried to get my own apartment, and I could not get approved on my own. I had not been employed long enough and did not make enough money. I remember feeling so defeated. Here I am staying at the shelter, and I can't find a permanent place to stay. I can't go back to him. I had a conversation with legal aid about what were the important parts of my life I needed help with. They were immensely helpful, and while they were not the answers I always wanted to hear, they always had good options. I called Volunteers of America to ask about their Rapid Rehousing Program. It took a few meetings and, of course, paperwork. I finally became approved for my own apartment. They paid for my down payment and several months of my rent, which helped me in ways I will never be able to repay. Another agency that I contacted was Catholic Charities. They helped me furnish my new apartment. I got mattresses, bed frames, a kitchen table, coffee table, desk and chair from them. They even delivered it to my apartment. Reflections I stayed at the shelter for 24 days. It does not seem like that is long enough to change my whole world. I think sometimes I had dreamed so many of these plans that, once I had gotten away from him, it became easy to just do them. Fast-forward to now, staying at the shelter seems like 10 years ago and not just over three years ago. I had always wanted to go to college. A few months after I had settled into my new apartment, I enrolled at BGSU Firelands. I wanted to have an influence on others' lives like the people I had just met. I majored in social work, and, let me tell you, it triggered me a bit. I found a great therapist, and I began to have regular appointments with her. I also continued to go to the support group at Safe Harbour. Honestly, the more you tell your story the less it starts to take over your life, and group makes you feel like you are not alone. They are my biggest group of cheerleaders. A job opened with Safe Harbour. They allowed me to work at the shelter for two years as a caregiver, answering the crisis line. It felt surreal and the most fulfilling thing to do, for me, was helping people just like me. I did part of my internship at Safe Harbour and had the opportunity to go to civil court, helping clients with civil protection orders. Just helping other people who are insituations like I have been in make me feel like I am making a difference. In August 2022, I graduated with my bachelor's in social work from Bowling Green State University. I am now a licensed social worker for the State of Ohio. I also work for BGSU with student parents as part of a federal grant. I never in a million years would have thought I would have my own office in a university setting. I am also attending graduate school at Case Western Reserve University at the Mandel School of Social Sciences. They have a trauma-informed graduate certification there, and I am going to get my master's in social work by the spring of 2024. Make the call My life looks totally different because I made a phone call to Safe Harbour. Friends and family may want to help you or give you advice, but getting this agency involved is what kick-started my life in a way I would have never thought possible. I really do not know what my life would have looked or felt like if I stayed where I was. I battled so many mental wars while I was there. I honestly do not want to think about what life would be like if I stayed. I will never say what I did was easy to do. I understand anyone who struggles to make that call like I did. I would just like to say that the people who work for Safe Harbour not only help me change my life: They also saved my life and put me on a path to help others. I know I had to put a lot of work into it as well, learning about myself. They are there every step of the way. Even though I am not in the shelter now, I have the freedom that I always deserved, and and as a social worker, I am on my way to help others just like me. I get to be the person who asks the questions nobody thought someone would ask them. Safe Harbour was the best phone call I ever made. It could be the best call you ever make, too.